I’ve been holding in the biggest secret – we’re PREGNANT!!

Let me start with saying I know how hard this day (Mother’s Day) for some people can be. I do not take this day for granted and if you don’t want to read on any further if it’s a trigger, please don’t – it is totally okay. I think I still wake up shocked everyday that this day has finally come for us again. The past 12 months have been the biggest struggle in my life and I can’t hide it or hold it in this gift any longer. As I sit in bed and type this out on Friday night at 9pm Mother’s Day weekend it brings a wave of emotions. I have had moments of the biggest smiles on my face but then I look to my right on my dresser where my Dad’s and Gram’s mass cards are hung and I cry, also thinking how different this year is from last Mother’s Day weekend with me in the hospital room alone, finding out that I was losing baby #2 and felt like my world came crashing down, especially since I had lost my job just weeks prior and I didn’t know how COVID was going to impact our lives with all the unknowns. As a Mother’s Day gift, I wanted to take my husband to go to The Belly Factory (a local business that specializes in Ultrasounds/Gender Reveals) so that he could finally see the baby live and hear the heartbeat for the first time. It was a bonus for me because I hadn’t seen the little one since my first appointment at the end of March. It was something I needed to feel a little more at ease this weekend and to see the look on my husband’s face when he saw the baby for the first time, just made my heart burst. These last three months have truly been the biggest roller coaster of emotions in my life. I will be 100% honest, this pregnancy has been hard. I have the guilt of being happy to welcome this precious baby in the world after losing two babies last year, the exhaustion is on a whole other level, the nausea that turns into this queasy feeling that lasts all day which makes me not want to eat much, no motivation and then finding out just weeks after I’m pregnant that since MJ has stopped saying the few words she used to prior to her lip tie procedure – she now needs to go to speech therapy. You guys, this season of my life is HARD! There has been nothing that comes easy in my life, so I’m not sure if I thought things would be different this go around. I’ve realized I can’t use the Mom guilt though, we do all we for our girl and COVID just simply impacted us big time.

How I Found Out

I had of course been tracking with my Ava bracelet that I used to get pregnant with MJ and one other fertility app to see how my cycles and ovulation lined up. I was noticing things were off with both, but I was trying to go off my Ava bracelet primarily over a random app since my bracelet actually tracks my Body Basal temp, stress and heart rate to name a few and for months I continued to get my period. I kind of gave up and we said on our 5 year wedding anniversary that if we weren’t pregnant by the end of April we were going to the fertility specialist, because all of our labs and testing we could do with our Primary doc and my OB came up normal – so there should have been no reason we weren’t getting pregnant, especially with how quickly we got pregnant last year both times. I had finally gotten my exercise bike in, rode 3-4 times a week and did floor workouts after my rides, was limiting stress, taking care of myself, sleeping well and March 10th I did my normal HIIT ride on my bike and a recovery workout and I could barely make it through. Something felt so off that whole morning and ride. I was feeling dizzy, tired and couldn’t push myself like I usually can. I put it off as I was just having an off day, took it easy the rest of the day and as the hubs and I are getting ready for bed I looked down at my stomach and I said “Babe, look how bloated I am!” because I was due to get my period that weekend, he legit laughed and said “Oh, you’re definitely pregnant”. I ignored it and thought to myself, no way because I had yet to get pregnant while we’ve been trying and noticed before I went to bed my ovulation tracking calendar said to take a hCG early pregnancy test the next day. I woke up and thought maybe I’ll wait one more day, but it was early and I was up by myself so if I took it and it was negative I wouldn’t matter, wouldn’t tell my husband and I wouldn’t take another one. Well, something told me just take it and see. I took it and that bad boy showed 2 lines REALLLLL quick! I opened the door to my husband walking right past, I held up the stick and he couldn’t have been happier! I cried. That wave of emotions and nerves I talked about earlier were the ones I had in this very moment, especially since the next day was the anniversary of my Dad’s passing 4 years prior and baby #3 should have already been in my arms this March. I went the next day (Friday) and again Monday for bloodwork to check all of my levels to see if I needed to go on progesterone again. My numbers were almost triple what they were with my last pregnancies, I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief but knew each day was going to be a battle. Every day that I felt nerves or fear set in though, no matter what the time of day I kid you not a male and female cardinal would perch right in front of my big picture window, in the cherry blossom tree and chirp until I opened the blinds to see them. This year, my Dad’s Daffodil (this mysterious 1 flower that popped up weeks after lost my Dad, in the middle of my parent’s yard) had 3 Daffodil buds (one for my Dad, MJ & the new baby) on it the week I had my first ultrasound. I have had so many signs I’ve lost count but those are the two that stuck with me.

The First 3 months

I took a much needed social media break, days after I found out I was pregnant up until randomly logging in over the last few weeks. Honestly, it was a huge trigger for me. I would scroll and just see something about a pregnancy and I’d panic. I didn’t want to see what it was about, just in case it wasn’t a good post. I couldn’t handle it but I also felt nauseous if I stared at my phone for too long. I spent many days cuddled up on the couch with MJ and again the Mom guilt hit me hard because here I was feeling so sick and tired that I’d just make her cuddle on the couch with me and watch Disney movies. I realized I needed to cut myself slack and as much as I hated how I felt, I knew the baby was doing okay. I’ve had three doctors appointments but countless numbers of visits to get my bloodwork done to check on me and the baby. Still due to COVID restrictions I had and still have to attend doctor visits by myself, so needless to say my first visit I was about to have a panic attack just waiting what felt like forever. My Ultrasound tech knew about my previous miscarriages, so she looked for the baby right away. She did a normal ultrasound and at 7 weeks, we found the baby right away! I saw the flicker and heard the heartbeat and the tears just started flowing. I couldn’t have been more relived, but I knew with my last miscarriage it was the same but didn’t have a heartbeat at my 10 week appointment so I knew I’d be a ball of nerves until then. At 10 weeks, I didn’t have an ultrasound which stressed me out and my doctor advised me because my bloodwork numbers were so great and the heartbeat was found so easily (unlike my last two pregnancies) just using the doppler would be fine. Well, my nurse at my 10 week appointment using the doppler couldn’t find it and had to call my doctor in. Que the sweats, tears and flashbacks of everything that happened at my last 10 week appointment. Luckily, my OB came in checked in the same spot right away and we got a heartbeat! The baby was moving around all over the place which again, I started crying knowing how active the babe already was but the heartbeat went from 124pbm the first visit to 166bpm. I couldn’t have been more relived. I’ve told my Hubs, Sister and Mom that I have to stop at Starbucks – get my Venti Strawberry Acai with Lemonade and a Ham & Swiss panini every-time I have a doctors visit or have to get bloodwork and drive the same route because I am that superstitious. We got the genetic testing and all of my “geriatric” tests back much earlier than planned this week and that all came back normal and all my levels were perfect! I have just so much to be thankful for with my crazy little baby babbling toddler keeping me on my toes, my husband who has been trying to pick up my slack these last 3 months and our families and friends who have been by our side through all the ups & downs these last handful of years. If I have learned one thing this last year and a half is it truly takes a village to help you through life and mine has come through so much. So a BIG thank you and Happy Mother’s Day to my Momma, my Mother-In-Law, my girl’s, family members and friends who are all Mom’s! A special Heavenly Mother’s Day to my Gram and MJ’s Gigi who miss more than words. I love you all so much and can’t wait to bring this little one into our big world. These next 6 months are going to be tough on me mentally but exciting to be one day closer to have this little babe in our arms.