A woman’s hope after loss

*Trigger Warning*

I started this blog to write about affordable clothes, home decor, maybe some recipes here and there because writing about anything is kind of a therapy for me. So as hard as this subject is to write about, it’s something that 1 in 4 of every woman faces in their lifetime. I came to realize a few weeks ago that October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This is a form of therapy for me to try and get on the other side of this speed bump in life and write about my losses and to share it with others because I know so many women (and the men in our lives) have gone or are going through this pain that my family has had to endure these last 7 months with me. My husband I have been so blessed to have this healthy 1 year old, sassy daughter pictured above. This first year of her life has been one for the books, seeing her change so much but then not being able to go out and do the everyday things we usually could do but can’t because of these circumstances surrounding COVID. I feel like her first year of life and memories we could have made were taken away from us enjoying and it makes me a little bitter! I know that she doesn’t know the difference of being at the park everyday or being on a family vacation because I know that all she needs is her family, but it’s frustrating to me to try to get past it. I have to remember it has also been SUCH a blessing for me to be home with her 24/7. I wouldn’t have been home to see all these little quirks she has had and the milestones if I were still working and traveling each week.

Now comes then end of March, I’m factoring in the sadness of knowing this year was going to be rough with being sheltered in place and how long this could last, with then being furloughed from a job due to COVID that I was promoted to just 10 months prior, but then getting amazing news that we’re pregnant again! In the midst of this pandemic, no longer working and then getting this amazing news that we’ll welcome a baby just days before Christmas – I was so excited but something felt off with everything going on in the world. We didn’t tell anyone that we were pregnant right away (unlike with our daughter we told family just days after finding out which happened to be Christmas night when we were all together), so we figured we would surprise our families on Mother’s Day with picture frames I had handmade for our Mom’s and we’d put the ultrasound pictures in them to announce the pregnancy. Fast forward a few weeks to my first appointment at 7 weeks pregnant, having to go to the Doctors appointment by yourself because of COVID to being in the Ultrasound room, having my same tech I had with Maddy asking these questions that didn’t seem normal, to then finding out that the baby wasn’t growing. It could either have been my ovulation days were off and the baby’s gestational age is lower or the baby wasn’t going to make it at all with the possibility of it being an ectopic pregnancy. I was prescribed progesterone due to my levels coming back pretty low. The night I was supposed to start taking my meds, I started cramping at dinner and then it started, I knew something wasn’t right. My OB advised me to go to the hospital to find out what was going on. I was told I was having a miscarriage. I was beyond crushed, as I’m supposed to be enjoying my first Mother’s Day weekend with my baby here vs being in my belly and here I am having a miscarriage the night before Mother’s Day. The days and weeks to follow were extremely hard. It put me in a awful mood – I was so angry all the time, I cried constantly, I would get so mad at my poor husband for no reason, I wasn’t getting sleep because my daughter was teething and going through sleep regressions and I honestly just wanted to crawl in a hole.

A few weeks later, I am still having a rough time with things but my daughter started doing a little better to get back on her sleep schedule, thank the lord! I was also so angry with God and even my Dad in heaven, who I always thought was supposed to be my angel watching over me but then taking my baby away from me, how is that right? When I needed the baby the most I felt, it was just over. I knew deep down in my heart that I couldn’t dwell on it forever, no matter how hard this is. I’ll never not think about the situation and the loss but I know I need to heal and hope there is something good coming our way. I started going on daily hour + walks with Maddy in the morning to clear my head and get away from the constant laying on the couch, stuffing my face with whatever I find. There were days behind my sunglasses and hat that I was balling, just praying for a sign to know things would be okay. I slowly started feeling better each day with these walks, I was watching what I was eating – which was hard because I was still nursing but I just started feeling off again. I had a feeling I was pregnant and guess what? June 28th, 4 days before I was supposed to get my period I took and an early test and it was positive! The excitement of welcoming another baby just less than a month after my first miscarraige but still felt this sadness all rolled into one. I immediately called my doctor and was prescribed Progesterone again to be on the safe side and got bloodwork done the next morning. I got all results back and every number looked great! I was tested 4 days later to ensure my numbers were going up and of course, we went away for a few days with family and I FORGET MY PROGESTERONE! I cried! I was freaking out. My doctor said there’s nothing I can do, I at least got 2 days of meds in and I should be okay. I prayed all day, everyday but it of course it put me in a bad place mentally. As soon as we came home from our trip, I went and got my blood drawn and found out all my numbers were great yet again! A few more tests in between were great but I had the 7 week ultrasound and I was a nervous freaking wreck!! I had a new tech and found the heartbeat right away, I cried! I cried most of my appointment with so many happy tears, this babe was doing great and we were going to be good! We’d welcome this baby March 15th. I was going to have bloodwork done after my 10 week appointment to do genetic testing because now I’m “a geriatric mom and at risk” so we’d possibly find out the gender and do a surprise gender reveal at our daughter’s first birthday! I was so excited for the upcoming events, I couldn’t hold it in. I had another bloodwork up a week after my appointment to check like 20 other new things to see how my body was doing with the pregnancy and again another set of great results. Going into my 10 week appointment, I was so nauseous every day pretty much from the start, obviously exhausted and add on the fact that after my 7 week appointment I had to start weaning my daughter off nursing to be done before the end of my first trimester. I was a mess, my daughter was a mess, I got back to another very bad spot. Sad all the time because Mom regrets having to end nursing early, she was just so upset that she couldn’t nurse whenever she wanted to and Maddy was going to be 1 soon so that added in more emotions. I yelled so much, I was so angry, I wasn’t sleeping because she would be hungry and want to cuddle. I also received news when I was 9 weeks pregnant that my Grandma had suffered through some health issues, was hospitalized again to eventually be told her cancer was processing and treatments were no longer working. The thought of losing my Gram was eating me alive, I cried every day, most of the day, it was awful and still is. She’s holding on but she won’t let anyone see her and it kills me everyday to not be able to talk to her and get a hug from her, I miss her so much. She’s always been one that whatever I tell my Mom, I tell her too. We’ve always been close and going through this just sucks. My heart is with anyone who has lost someone (anytime of course) but especially this year with the COVID restrictions. Back to my 10 week appointment…I finally get called for my Ultrasound, the tech was taking awhile and it was making me nervous. She said I had a full bladder then did an internal exam and I just knew something wasn’t right. I asked, “Will I be hearing the heartbeat today?” She was quiet and said “Oh we’ll just have to wait for the Doctor”. I go into a room and my OB tells me the last thing I wanted to hear, “It’s confirmed there was no heartbeat Elyse, I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t even cry. I was in complete disbelief. Everything was great leading up to this appointment, even a week ago! I had a D&C a few days later and did genetic testing to find out anything we could that went wrong. Well my tissue was fine and the baby’s tissues wouldn’t grow enough to get any information from it. It was another devastating blow. I have no closure on what my body is doing wrong. My OB really believes there was a chromosome issue within the pregnancies, but we’ll never know. I am deathly nervous to try for baby #4 (ugh, to even say that is hard). Two babies in heaven, I don’t think I could deal with this again. I know we’ll try sooner rather than later, but I don’t want to try this year anymore because honestly want nothing more to do with 2020, I can only handle so much sadness. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have my daughter, as not everyone gets that prayer answered. She helps my heart heal. She helped heal it so much after losing my Dad and she continues to heal it with each passing day. I truly pray for every woman that has been through this that I hope you had or have your rainbow baby. I pray you heal emotionally, mentally and physically. I’m sending you all the hugs and vibes to be in a better place. I wish this wasn’t a thing but know if anyone out there is reading this, I always have an ear to lend. We need to talk about this more, we should not be ashamed of this. We need more support out there, so please do not be afraid to share your story with others. It’s therapy and the more you talk about it, it doesn’t allow you to kept it built up inside until you explode with tears. Us women are amazing humans and endure so much.

I have so much love for all you women out there that are in pain and seeking answers. Please, please don’t keep it all in and if you feel you need your doctors to run more test, TELL THEM! Continue to tell them until it gets done.